Developing a sound midlife crisis response plan is in order if you are almost 40 or over 60 and you have asked “Is this all there is?” That, dear sister-friend-reader is an extremely common symptom of a midlife crisis. Even though a midlife crisis is not inevitable, there are measures that you can take to respond in a way that enriches your life.  

In some ways, what is thought of as a midlife crisis is a very human experience, but it just happens to be very common after the age of 40. At any age, anyone can become beset by imposter syndrome, feelings of envy, panic or impatience with the pace at which they are accomplishing their goals. 

I’m not immune to this. I grudgingly admit to experiencing a barrage of many uncomfortable emotions–particularly when I look over in the next lane to see what the person next to me has accomplished. I feel a twinge of “could have” when I listen to the travel adventures of single, childless friends. I will fully admit to wondering what would have been if I’d had more children and being jealous of other couples I know who have families larger than ours. I regularly have to tell myself with gritted teeth to not beat myself up for being an at home parent and not being as far along in my career as I “should.” And I turn into a full-on envy gremlin when I listen to couple friends our age who are not only empty-nesters, but also grandparents!

It goes on and on.  Some of the feelings are easier to sit with than others for me, though. I’ve gotten pretty good at disrupting the feelings that come about in a fit of comparison with other people.

Motherhood is a deep well of opportunity to cope with for issues and feelings. For me, the early years of raising my daughters and not being in the workforce were fulfilling and filled with wonder as I watched the first one, then another daughter grow and develop. But as I was still grappling with grief over the loss of my own mother and faced motherhood without her as my children’s grandma or my mom I found those years profoundly lonely and felt isolated a great deal of the time. We got through it as a family. And now, as my own daughters have entered their young adult years, I’m flooded with loneliness and also relief as they more and more my husband and I recede in their rear-view mirror as they drive away to go live their lives as the people they’ve become.  

The mortal coil. Everything and nothing has prepared me for mortality. Despite knowing that none of us get to live forever, there are more and more reminders of that life is finite. At first it was parents of friends, my own parents, and people my parents’ age that seemed to be passing on. In my late 30s I’d hear now and then of a childhood friend or distant family member being diagnosed with health issues There were more in our 40s, and it seemed to affect people closer and closer to us–and more than a few deaths. Now that I am in my 50s, it seems that in the past few years I have lost more and more family members and friends. Some suddenly. Along with the stun and pain of these losses the reminder that life is short swells from an errant thought to a proven fact.

 Well, is this our collective purpose in life? What’s the point? Were we created to love, mourn the loss of those we love, work ourselves to the bone to pay the bills until we become obsolete or worse yet, exiled to age fitfully, in the margins of society, clinging to the past and unsuccessfully batting away questions that begin with should have , would have, could have?  Many of the acting out behaviors associated with midlife crises are an eruption of long-ignored feelings. 

Sis. Friend. Gentle reader. I don’t think that’s all there is for you. Here is how I transformed those feelings into something better for me.

Some might call the swirl of feelings you are experiencing a crisis, but it’s not a crisis. It’s a gift. Your past is just that, past. And we don’t know how much of a future we have. The realizations, those pangs, every conclusion you come to are the gifts of midlife. You are squarely in the midst of the opening scene of your life’s next act. Good news: the entire next part of your life is still being written, by you. Equipped with experience, wisdom and the grace of being alive you are poised to erect your life to be what you want it to be and embrace and celebrate it.  

“Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.”

Brene Brown

How can you design a life you want to embrace? 

Forgive. Lived experience is valuable. Remember those all of those shoulda-woulda-couldas? Write those down. Circle the ones that were the result of someone else’s actions. Then underline the ones that are the result of the actions of yourself. Start forgiving. If someone harmed you intentionally forgive them. Forgive the person who has no clue how they hurt you, forgive them. Forgive everyone including yourself. Know that you did the best you could at the time and you are worthy of forgiveness. 

Get grateful. Don’t let this turn into a pity party. Your life may not have been perfect and it will never be. Gratitude can raise your vibration and better attune you to seeing the positive side of things. Yes, gratitude lists can be an excellent tool to work on having a positive mindset. Also, effective are freely sharing your time and skills and outright giving. Focusing on the good things you have and sharing with others in a way that gives dignity or empowers others are ways you can practice gratitude. 

Get really specific. A midlife crisis is likely not just one emotion or rooted in one area of your life. Like box braids that have been left in too long, you will have to get in there and gently tease apart and uncoil many threads until you can identify just what you are feeling. Take time through meditation, journalling and introspection to examine your life as it is now. Consider the not-so-great parts and your triumphs, too. What do you want to keep? What are your strengths? What do you value? What would you like to create? Objectively identify whether your time reflects this now. How would living the life you want to create make you feel? By being specific you can definitively pursue the life you want.  

Positive connections. Make yourself available to like-minded people. Cultivate connections with people who share your values or enjoy the same things as you. There is nothing more invigorating than time spent in connection with those who share trust, mutual respect and get joy from your time together. And there is nothing more draining or demoralizing than having to endure time with people you don’t enjoy being around.

A higher perspective. What if you took inventory and evaluated some of your life’s most pressing concerns, but without judgement? Would you be able to see how many things happen for you than to you? What would you do if you heeded the calls of your purpose instead of being concerned with what people think?  

This is not a definitive list of ways to examine what could be behind your emerging stirrings or callings. And it’s also not something you do once and are done forever. Re-visit these points, ask and answer these questions as often as you need to. You deserve to show up as your whole self in the limited time you have.  

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Featured photo by Annika Ibels via Unsplash