The CDC reports that six in ten adults in the U.S. have a chronic disease and four in ten adults have two or more chronic conditions. As we women age it becomes more and more likely that a chronic condition could affect a family member or themselves. In light of the statistics and because women tend to outlive men, there is a good likelihood that any given woman will outlive her spouse.

What is a chronic disease? A chronic disease is an illness or condition that lasts for longer than three months. Though many chronic illnesses can be prevented or controlled with medical care, too many of them are not curable and remain or progress for the remainder of the person’s life.

Cancer, arthritis, kidney disease, mood disorders, asthma, multiple sclerosis and diabetes are just a few chronic illnesses. In some people many of these conditions of these have a tendency to progress undetected before diagnosis. Some of them may have sudden acute symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, but others are discovered in the course of routine health exams.  

Middle age is when the lifestyle choices we’ve made our entire lives begin to stack up and if it isn’t lifestyle that gets us, many hereditary illnesses show up. Sometimes it seems random when a vibrant, healthy person becomes ill for no obvious reason. No matter what the cause, it is in our human nature to survive; however chronic illnesses can call for radical changes in lifestyle. A person diagnosed with such an illness may face new limitations or disabilities. It understandable that these changes are extremely difficult for that person and for all their loved ones.  

Chronic illness is not necessarily synonymous with terminal illness. Because of continuous improvements in medical care, people can live for long time with chronic illnesses. By the same token, a person may continue to live but function in a completely different way than they were used to living before the onset of the condition. Effects range from leaving a loved one profoundly disabled and unable to care for themselves to having to take medications to treat symptoms.

That is a really wide range! Many people whose loved ones will tell you that there is also a wide range of how their loved one coped with their condition. It may take time for them to accept it. If the symptoms or treatment are intensive or time consuming they may be well into their treatment before they have a chance to come to terms with all of it. They have a lot to come to terms with. They may be frustrated or afraid. And for many men in American culture, strength is a large part of their identity. As they grapple with both their physical health and their new sense of identity they may also experience anger and sadness.  

I can share much of this because my own family has been affected by chronic illness. A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a chronic condition. The last year has brought him more challenges than ever. For him, living with the disease is hard because the symptoms cause him a great deal of physical pain. All his adult life he’s been proud to be a provider, loving dad to our daughters and a strong, husband to me. He’s a problem solver, a doer. For the first time in his life it means he cannot permanently solve a problem.

I wish that I never knew how hard it is to watch a man I have loved since the day I met him nearly thirty years ago suffer in any way. But even more than that, I would wish nothing more than he would not have to go through everything he is going through. But he’s a fighter and he works very hard to manage.

Meanwhile, until our family was faced with my husband’s illness, I had zero clues about how to support him. After all, just as there was not a care tag attached to either of our daughters at birth, there was also not an addendum to our marriage license about how to support a partner with chronic illness. It affects every area of his life and, of course, our whole family.  

If someone were to ask me the best way to support their loved one who is living with a chronic medical condition, I would tell them that there will be good days, bad days and terrible days. There is no way to be ready for every possible development. It won’t always be possible, but if you want to provide support without losing your temper, or your own health, one of the best things you can do is take care of yourself. It’s important for you to be well so you can continue to show up for your partner. Here are some tips:  

• Talk to your children in an honest way and consult a professional if they need help coping.
• Don’t isolate. Having people over or getting out to socialize can be good for both of you–with or without your partner.
• Respect your partner’s rights to make his own decisions. Beware of the fine line between helping and nagging.
• Tend to your own healthcare. Now more than ever, it is important to get regular medical care and make lifestyle choices that promote health.
• Get systems in place. Take a look at where you can free up your time or brain space. Try a grocery delivery service. Automate your bill payments. Schedule and plan everything so as many things are in place for if your partner has bad days.
• Tell people what’s happening. For African-American women this can be difficult, because our culture tells us not to share our private business, lest it be used against us. But we are social creatures and if people who love us don’t know we miss out on a huge part of the experience of being human with those who are along the journey with us.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for relief or help from family and friends.
• Be willing to accept offers from those who want to help your partner or your family.
• Sit with your anger, mourn the old life. Be patient and gentle, but don’t get stuck–your partner needs you!
• Block out time for self-care. Prioritize regular activities that restore and rejuvenate you.  
• Know your insurance and speak up any time you have questions about your coverage.
• Assess your financial status to determine your situation. Slash unnecessary expenses.  
• Explore the new normal and be present.

Be sure to comment below to share ways that you balance supporting your partner and self-care.

Photo by geralt from Pixabay.