Knowing how to set healthy boundaries is essential to our sense of self-regard. Boundaries tell others how we want to be treated. In their absence, one party to a relationship is in danger of not having their needs expressed or met. Healthy boundaries, when in place and honored provide a springboard for mutually respectful interactions between people.

Every relationship does not require the explicit outlining of boundaries. But if one or both of the people in a relationship feel their needs are not being honored, boundaries are clearly needed. Even in a well-established relationship, the need to establish or re-negotiate boundaries can come up. Or it may also be the case that they were not established at the outset. 

“I guess I’m a giver.”

“I’m always expected to cover when they’re short-staffed.”

“That’s not my responsibility. But if I won’t do it who else is going to do it?”

“I didn’t appreciate being called in with short notice–again.”

“People are a trip.”

“I’m tired.”

“I’m tired.”

“I get tired of doing, doing, doing!”

The preceding are paraphrased quotes from women like you. Lately, I’ve spoken with quite a few women who’ve been dealing with boundaries. Each of them shared that they were tired of being in need of boundaries. I completely relate, because I struggle with this, too!

One of my daughters participated in her school’s musical theater productions. A parent coordinator enlisted parents to distribute a dozen show posters each year. Parents picked up posters, then delivered them to those in the community who were willing to display them in storefront windows or on community boards. Frankly, I enjoyed stopping in at shops, schools and offices around town, chatting and hyping the show.

One year, a new mom arrived on the scene. I should have known something was up. My daughter bounded into the car after one rehearsal cradling a thick roll of posters for me. Later, I unrolled them. There were more than a dozen. Quite a few more. Hmm, I started counting, but stopped after I got to fifty. I called the publicity coordinator and told her there must be some mistake, because in years past we took a divide and conquer approach. . . a dozen posters to a half-dozen parents. . . .yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

“Nope,” she stopped me, “those are all yours–figure it out!”

That year it took a few afternoons to distribute all the posters, and my daughter, our family’s born salesperson even went out with me. But, together we did it! Through the show’s run, she loved pointing out every poster that was hanging in the stores where she’d done the talking. 

While this is a warm and fuzzy tale of time spent with my daughter and she got to use her strengths for something she was excited about, what was the boundary? At any time I had been free to take the posters back. Was it presumptive to dump dozens of posters on a parent? Probably. But in truth when I signed up, I didn’t say I’ll only put up a certain number of posters. While I didn’t have a relationship with the coordinator parent, I knew the show mattered to my daughter.

Our educational system is often parent volunteer powered. The poster incident certainly made me much more intentional about volunteering. The boundary around volunteering that I set after the fact is that I have to know just what a duty entails. Before saying yes, I clarify exactly what it is I am saying yes to.

Who among us doesn’t have a story like this? The setting and details might be different, but the need to set boundaries is universal. Are there boundaries that you need to set? Read on:

A certain someone in your life borrows money or things, but doesn’t return them until asked several times?

Every month, the man in your life tries to talk you into forgoing your standing monthly girls night out.

Do you work extra hours, without pay, year after year because your employer says hiring additional people is not in the budget? 

Your daughter or son regularly drops your grandchildren off with little or no notice, because they assume you will drop everything–because you always do.

He routinely makes patently offensive statements; you let it slide the first time your neighbor made an offensive comment or joke.

You provide all the care for a pet that your child vowed to take care of.

She’s awesome and you dearly love your friend, but she’s always running late.

How can you set boundaries? Here are some guidelines for setting good boundaries:

• Try to keep the discussion focused and on topic. 
• Clearly tell the other person what boundary has been crossed.
• Share with the person why the boundary matters to you. 
• Make it clear that you value the relationship and you need that person to honor your boundaries. 
  

Until confronted, a person may not know that their behavior has hurt you. In other instances, after being confronted about their behavior, another person may feel offended or become defensive. There may be cases where the other party refuses to honor your boundaries altogether. In the latter two scenarios, you must make a decision: which is more important, the relationship or the boundary. You may have to accept the person where they are, as they are. But it is still important because you go forward with the knowledge that you are two separate people, each with their own needs–which is in itself a part of healthy relationships. Setting boundaries is not a zero-sum concept. Never embark on it with the notion of winning or losing.

One of the best outcomes about having boundaries is that it provides clarity about your own needs. Being clear about your needs and expressing them can be very empowering. In addition, setting boundaries may provide the other person with opportunities for growth. If you do not disrupt a pattern of behavior, you may be denying a person an opportunity for development. Tread carefully, and remain firm because good boundaries can help both of you.  

As a precaution, you should always make sure that you are safe. Next, be clear that you can set boundaries, but you cannot change someone. Forcing, coercing and begging someone to honor your boundaries does not honor that person’s boundaries or agency. And, if you find you are grappling with where to begin, you could discuss boundaries with a neutral third party, such as a counselor or coach. 

It may not be easy to set healthy boundaries, but it will be worth it. Good boundaries tell others that you value your time, your abilities and yourself. If poor or non-existent boundaries mean you are not having your needs met, you want something different. If you don’t do something different, you will just continue to experience more of the same. Having boundaries is an important part of maintaining self-respect and building strong, respectful relationships with others.